My feelings

My thoughts on my Diabetes.

How I feel about my Diabetes, is definitely different to a lot of people, just like how my thoughts and feelings will be exactly the same for a lot of people. Being 19, at such a pivotal time in my life, deciding how I want my future to be and what I'd like to do in my life, but also wanting to enjoy my spare time away from work and Uni, there is a lot to deal with there. Now adding Diabetes to that is like a kick to the balls. For people who are 18, 19, 20, 21, with Diabetes, life gets super, super complicated. 

In my own experience of having dealt with Diabetes for the last 6 years of my life, I've grown from a boy to a young man and how I feel about the disease has changed too. 

At age 19 right now this is how I feel about it. I HATE IT MORE THAN EVER. 

Let's begin with my health anxiety, the most recent issue I've had in my life. From Christmas time up until late February of this year, I was having trouble with my health anxiety. Every headache, I would think that I will be dead within hours and every chest pain meant a heart attack was on its way to kill me off. Anxiety can affect your Diabetes pretty heavily the worse it gets. What I hate about anxiety is that your body literally will try create the feelings of heart attacks as an example, so you think about it more and worry, making you then get more chest pains. I had some serious headaches for a solid 2 weeks and they would not go away only because my mind was so fixated on them. Every thought was on an ache or pain. People with Diabetes are at a greater risk of developing anxiety because of the stress and management that Diabetes brings, meaning it is totally normal to feel overwhelmed and paranoid about wanting to stay alive each day, along with not wanting to go blind, lose a limb and sensations in our hands and feet. It makes perfect sense and 100% one of the reasons as to how I developed it. 

However, anxiety can affect people in so many different ways and I think it is important for everyone to recognize that. We all have the feeling of anxiety and can feel anxious but people who are truly suffering need the time, love and support from people around them.

My second talking point surrounding my emotions in this past year, is how I feel about low blood sugar levels and high blood sugar levels. When I was younger and still didn't exactly know the seriousness of Diabetes, I would often quite enjoy it when my blood was low because its an excuse for a Mars Bar to eat without having to do insulin and watching my blood skyrocket. But at this moment in time I get frustrated with my blood when it goes low. I do not mind it when my blood levels drop and their is a good explanation as to why it is. But when it drops for absolutely no reason I just hate it. The physical feelings you get when your blood goes low are sometimes very timid and you can easily manage and sometimes its a struggle to even muster the energy to get up and sort yourself out. For me personally my body reacts in only some of the ways it could do during a Hypo. 

My symptoms of a Hypo:

• Sweating
• Tingly Lips
• Shaking body
• Feeling hungry
• Dizziness

THE worst combination for me is when my body sweats and I am feeling dizzy at the same time. Its not a great feeling and it really effects me. I'll just wish for time to move ahead instantly to when I'm feeling OK. When I have a bad Hypo and I've recovered I can get quite emotional if I'm at home and ask myself questions like; Why me? Why did I have to get a disease where you can feel dreadful for hours on end just because my blood sugar levels are low? How come my Hypos get this bad? Not only do I ask myself these questions I'll also say to myself that all I want is to feel "normal" again. I can admit that I have good days and bad days when it comes to how I feel about having low blood sugar levels. And I can't say the same thing about high blood sugar levels. I hate them more. 

When I was younger I never felt my blood levels when they were high, I would go to the toilet a lot and drink more than usual but I never could tell properly if I was high without checking my blood. Currently, I can now tell all the time when my blood is high. In the last year its been tough to keep my blood sugars down. My levels are not so high all the time and the Diabetic Clinic aren't concerned which is good, however, that does not mean I can just allow my blood to be high. Often times in this last year I've been waking up with my blood sugar level being around 17-18 which is obviously way too high. The frustrating side of Diabetes is things like this because you could try so much to bring it down and plan ahead to make sure waking up with high blood sugar levels doesn't happen. Yet instead of your blood being lower, It's higher! I get more fed up when I wake up and I can tell that I'm high, because I instantly feel like crap first of all, plus I then have to cope with drinking more and then weeing more. I also put off eating when my blood sugar is high because in my mind, I can't eat until my blood is within range. 

For the record, i could definitely still eat when my blood is high but I'm scared it will only get higher and higher. All that needs to be done is I just inject more insulin. Once I can manage the high bloods on a morning more frequently then I know that each day will be a lot better for me mentally for the day ahead of dealing with Diabetes. When my blood sugar is high, I get quite a lot of the symptoms now.

My symptoms of a Hyper: 

• Feeling thirsty 
• Headaches
•  Numbness in my face
• Feeling tired  
• Feeling sick 
• Blurred vision 
• Frequently urinating

 The frequent urinating and having to constantly drink can have other effects that are never really mentioned. UTI's are common in Diabetics because our kidneys and bladders are working harder. I have had 3 personally during my 6 years of having Diabetes so far, All of them within the last 15 months or so. This links with my health anxiety and any potential sign I could have a UTI then it may set me off. 

I want to finish this blog by listing off the generic things every Diabetic, especially my age, hates the most. I will mention one that we all want to get off our chest and if you ever want to make us angry on propose just ask us this one question.

Are you allowed to eat that because it has got sugar in?

YES WE CAN!!! I don't have a clue where it has come from that Diabetics cannot eat food with sugar in but god is it annoying. I understand some people will be asking because they genuinely do not know and want to learn. That is perfectly fine and there is 100% somebody reading this who knows they have asked this. However, when we Diabetics have been asked this question for the millionth time, it is annoying. Its more than annoying but I won't say more because my Grandparents will be reading this. Anyways, moving onto the generic list I and other Diabetics hate:

1. Our sensors not working properly. (I have this issue often)
2. When the Chemist gets our ordered prescriptions WRONG.
3. Constant questioning when our blood is low, just let us sort it unless we cannot help ourselves or we ask for help.
4.  Accidentally stabbing out hands with needles.
5. Not being able to draw blood when pricking our fingers.
6. Parents checking up on our blood glucose levels too much.
7. People who somehow manage to get sugar free food or drink for us to have when our blood is low.
8. No explanation as to why our blood has gone up or down. 
9. An insulin pen breaking suddenly.
10. A pump breaking suddenly.

I may give some little anecdotes on some of these things in their own blog down the line.

Overall, at this moment in time, I hate Diabetes but that is OK. As long as I continue to control Diabetes and not let Diabetes control me. I'm happy but Diabetes can be a struggle and take it's toll on me like it does to everyone suffering. But we keep going regardless and we smile through bad days when in public and keep the strength up to win the day. Every Diabetic is a winner every second really. Whether it has been 20 years, 50 years, 3 months, 3 days or 15 seconds, of being diagnosed, WE win each day for staying alive. Lastly, for the Diabetic people my age reading this, you are normal and perfectly allowed to get down and upset when the day isn't going your way.